Somewhere in here, as if frightened by enjoying our summer too much, we fear as though we aren't doing enough. From where stems the deep amount of pressure we put on ourselves?
But in troth: does one turn idle? Far from it.
Today I'm forcing myself to complete an exercise in self-love. You laugh (though that's an important factor too, gutter brain), but in fact I hope that by exposing my own self-judgement and excising a more holistic examination of this current moment I can encourage my readers to perform a similar ritual, to give themselves a chance to escape their own emotional flagellation. It's an honest stock-taking -- a "snapshot" if you will.
At current: one is working 50+ hour weeks on one's feet in a social environment that is at once satisfying and draining, one has just turned in this semester's grades and is preparing to teach an intensive july session, one is juggling a complex family situation with fair aplomb, one is staying in decent shape, one is going to accupuncture and maintaining a fairly active yoga practice, one is eating carefully, one is reading 2-3 books a week (at least), one is opening and dealing with most of one's mail -- and paying all responsibilities in a timely and (somewhat) organized manner, and is managing an active and meaningful social network both in body and via la vida virtua...
but dissatisfaction looms.
In the spin of the head this morning live:
a consideration about our level of responsibility to our online avatars/communities:
the following of links and items of interest that (finally) logging on after taking such an "IRL" break is wont to instigate:
http://dannyfisher.org/2011/06/02/a-monastery-grows-in-brooklyn/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter (buddhist monks in BK)
http://www.cheimread.com/exhibitions/2011-05-12_louise-bourgeois-the-fabric-works/ (art I want to see)
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2pZipi/www.good.is/post/i-hated-vegans-too-but-now-i-am-one/?utm_source=supr (witty editorial from good about food culture, giving things up, judging ourselves/others)
http://www.npr.org/2011/05/31/136590974/arts-funding-site-gets-kickstart-from-business-bids (yet another story about the wonders of kickstarter, including fellow swattie andrew gregory's new/old cd project)
and their accompanied spins:
- am I being sufficiently engaged in spiritual practice? I need to go commit to going to group meditation and visit the local chapters. how am I not following danny fisher? I clearly haven't been paying enough attention
- I need to get to Cheim and Reid and see this show before it closes. Oh my goodness I miss so many shows I want to see...shameful. God I don't even know what's AT the museums right now! Francois Alys? didn't I see that on the subway. So embarassing... ugh, and I had better not miss the Herzog movie before it's gone...
- should I be giving something up? am I being too permissive? why did I drink this week even after my accupuncturist told me all about the insidious sugars? why did I bother with the dietary changes if I'm just going to screw myself with drinking? oh man, I need to read GOOD more often. oh, hey, there's job openings -- am I selling myself short? should I be seeking jobs in writing again? am I justifying what is actually failure?
- speaking of failure, kickstarter -- haven't I myself said any of us can do whatever we set our minds to if we simply set our minds to it, more than ever in this world of crowdfunding and international transparency/sharing of currencies of all types? why aren't I moving forward with any of the large scale, world/community/environment changing ideas that I have worked on all these years? have I become content with a small life? have I become lazy? is the small life bad? it is failure? do I have a commitment to take those ideas to the street? is teaching others to critically think and apply themselves in this way enough?... though aren't I subject to "practice what you preach" if I don't?
somewhere in there, also - a conversation about the word palimpsest:
- James Is-dead a book by Livio Dimitriu called "Palimpsest of Stone" is where I first heard the word, but your familiarity with it's use as a layering of print on Egyptian papyrus is fascinating. Building Churches on top of Temples.42 shots o' rum ago ·
Lynne Desilva-johnson mmm hmm. literally, what I was talking about -- manuscript, parchment (originally papyrus) with layers of written and scraped off ink *is* the definition of palimpsesthttp://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=palimpsest -- if we are familiar with the word, in a contemporary context, it is usually being applied metaphorically/as an analogy: ie: layers of meaning/history/etc... but I do go on...♥ 36 shots o' rum ago ·
and a love for the videos of Miike Snow, particularly
which reminded me how much I am tired of all the music I own. should I throw out all these cds I never listen to? is there a way to get free music from my friends/online somewhat legally? should I bother buying new music or do I believe we are moving towards all soundcloud/grooveshark/pandora type listening that will make owning the actual tracks redundant
so, buying a new iPod would be bad, right, but what about the iPad? or netbook? what direction should I go, because I DON'T BLOG ENOUGH and I need portable online writing implements stat...
*I'm trying to keep myself calm with belief in such statements as
"Experience, as a desire for experience, does not come off. We must not study ourselves while having an experience." - Nietzsche
and find comfort in the fact that at least I will not have to contend with the no. 1 deathbed regret
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I cannot help but feel like I am in constant battle what seems to be an ever faster moving clock -- and as the narrative that explains how I've constructed this erstwhile unconventional, exhausting schedule to leave room for creative work sounds more and more empty to me I approach alumni weekend, and prepare to explain myself ad infinitum I feel mostly...tired.
And, it's OK -- for goodness sake, LOOK AT ALL I'M DOING. What would I tell me, if I knew me?
To give myself a break. Surely.
The search for meaning in life, which is my constant, does have a tendency to leave one less than satisfied -- in so far that one has decided, ultimately, that "satisfaction" is relative. Even if one is content and even proud of one's efforts to live a kind, thoughtful, decent, philosophically challenging, educated, engaged and loving life, one still comes up daily against factors that force one to question oneself.
A sensitivity to other factors -- in particular physical ones that tax and drain the body and/or alter its chemistry is of UTMOST importance as we gauge our stance in our days -- dissatisfaction, like anger or sadness or other shifting aspects of the anima, must be trained; and/or we must train ourselves to recognize, acknowledge, and allow for the passing of these emotional tides. They are only useful as flags to encourage engagement in exercises of self-examination, where helpful (like this one) and indicate to us that in fact we wish to make certain other changes as per health, time management, and so on. Otherwise these are simply aggrievators, useless and dangerous. Did I mention I've been reading Jung?
There's also some poem wanting uploading about objectification and woman as grecian urn but it will have to wait. I have to, you know, go to WORK.
